It's Creep-y To Me

Obviously, someone made a mistake and did not shred the minutes of a super secret E-Machine strategy session. I cannot vouch for the truth of this document so you will have to judge for yourself.

My source claims that he found this strategy paper in a garbage can around City Hall and he brought it to me. He swears he did not break into anyone's office a la Watergate.

CREFAAC MINUTES OF SUPER SECRET

BORDER STRATEGY SESSION

The CREFAAC (Committee to Re-elect Eddie Francis At All Costs) office wishes to congratulate the team members who developed the plan for the Mayor to divide, confuse, and infuriate the masses over the “in-action” alternative for the border. We hope to win by continuing to do nothing while pretending to be doing something

We still have a tough road to hoe. We need to bridge the gap in time between the public meeting on DRIC and voting day.

We know that Mayor Francis was very pleased with the turnout at the Ward 1 Saturday meeting. It was just as he had hoped with the technique of targeted invitations designed to obfuscate and enrage. “It worked like a charm.”

The Mayor stated,

• “I would not have missed the gathering for the world except that I wasn’t sure if the thinly veiled fear-mongering was going to hit the target. Was it my fault it snowed and I got stuck in Ottawa.
  
  As it was, it was impossible for me to know which plan I would endorse/oppose. Now I know that “tunnelling” is the topic du jour that I must speak about in order to get re-elected. As Mayor, I must lead only where I determine the citizens wanted to go already.”
  
  

But the Border, well… Eddie knows it’s a winner of an issue some how. We all support giving him enough time, enough unlimited resources and enough pointless dithering to somehow, someway map out a position.

We do want to ensure however that no one talks about the past because, as Desi would say, the Mayor would have a lot of ‘splainin’ to do. We know that:

1. He was elected to arrive at a long-term solution but rallied Windsorites for the short-term Schwartz Plan
2. He was given a seat at the table but squandered it by conceding that the bureaucrats were the final decision makers
3. The Horseshoe Road is not so lucky since Cansult shot it down
4. The Walker Road project is 18 months behind schedule
5. The Tunnel Plaza expansion is Disneyworld since it will cost us $30 million but will not move a single car more quickly through the Tunnel
6. Instead of building relationships, we snubbed the Senior Levels and almost cost Kwame his election
7. The Joint Councils meeting in Detroit let everyone know that it is our roads that are the problem and that we have sat on the $300 million BIF border monies for three years while the Americans have done their job through the Ambassador Gateway project.

So we need to get positive folks. When Dwight does not mention a word about Windsor in his Budget speech, let’s get out there and declare a huge victory. We have to let the world know that it was only because of Eddie that the $300 million BIF money was not taken away from us and given to Sarnia. And if Dwight does mention something about Windsor, but just as an after-thought, well we can blame it on jealous Torontonians, angry because they did not get their subway. And no matter what, it is all Stephen Harper's fault since Windsor is not one of his top five priorities!

A sheepish Francis, boy wonder Mayor of Detroit’s Sister City, observed, “Were it not for the patience of the wonderful residents of our fine community, they never would have tolerated my inaction on job creation, my inaction on economic development, my inaction on … well, just about everything. As the citizens realize that what I say is really a reflection of what I think they want to hear, only then will my forward thinking border strategy be accepted.”

Concluded Francis, “That is my firm commitment – the ‘inaction alternative’ is the only alternative! It worked for the Rhetorical Arena, it worked for the Mythical Schwartz Plan, it even worked for the Covert, Double Secret Deal with They Who Must Be Obeyed– I know it will work for the border.”

Francis delivered his remarks with a backdrop of statistics and PowerPoint presentations indicating trucks, traffic, employers and jobs were all departing Windsor for Sarnia, allowing Windsor to once again become that idyllic, serene countryside that it never was.

Longstanding friend of Eddie Francis since the Super Bowl in Detroit, the Governor's hubby, Dan Mulhern, agreed with Francis in his encouragement to the Council and citizens: “With no EC Row, No Talbot Road Tunnel, no Huron Church by-pass, no WALTS road approach, not much of the DRIC and no access to the current bridge and tunnel, Windsor is well on its way to reaching its dream – inaction on the border is the key. I applaud Mayor Francis’ avoidance of the issue and the opportunity for me to resolve the artificial hostility he has generated with a future workshop on anger management.”

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